SPIDER Poem Written By Eli Smith Mar 2015
She tells me that I am a failed experiment,
One part tragedy and two parts disappointment.
She tells me that I need to DIE.
She’s more than just a voice inside of my head
She is a completely different person.
Renting half of my brain
How can the one thing that’s mine feel like a shared space.
I am split in half
I loose control, loose footing in a life I falsely call my own
I lose time, seconds, minutes, hours, days
I cannot function with her
But I cannot function without her
I “wake up” and my legs are bleeding,
The blade in my hands.
I wonder how long it will be before she kills me.
I cannot stop her.
My friends call her Spider
She is a black widow, eating her mate after he has served his purpose.
She is manipulative.
Capable of killing in just one bite.
I am passive, she is aggressive.
She is destructive, angry, jealous, violent,
Unstable – A natural disaster, I am the eye of the storm.
I am the end of chaos.
I am shy, and weak, but innocent, feeling destroyed by crimes I did not commit.
We are yin and yang, 2 parts of a whole
Both wanting different things…
Wanting this body as our own
Doing everything we can to make the other submit.
Mirrors are my worst nightmare,
The girl I see is no longer me.
Coated in black makeup,
Dressed like I’m in a punk band.
I do not remember getting dressed this morning,
I am not sure how I got to school.
When did I do this assignment?
Wait, that was today?
Where am I?
What is my name?
Why are you screaming?
I can’t take this.
DO NOT SCREAM AT ME WHEN I DON’T DO WHAT YOU ASK
I have no recollection of you asking
Why are you mad at me?
What did I say?
No…I’m not making this up.
I am so, so sorry…It’s just been a “bad day”
If only I could tell you what’s truly wrong and not sound insane.
It’s more than just forgetting
It is a lapse in the conscious – a constant tug of war that never seems to end.
I have spent most of my life faking being functional.
I cannot sleep, she and I do battle in hopes that one of us will reign victorious.
How do you kill something that is inside of you?
You cannot see the destruction of my mind
I am standing in the middle of the wreckage and you claim that I am “making this up”
It is impossible to survive this way.
She cuts this body leaving her mark so that I can never forget that I am not alone.
It’s wrong to feel this empty, hollow, beating myself up just to know I’m alive
She tells me it’s time to go – But quitting would release the monster forever
She is not safe
I am far too weak to contain her.
I am losing myself to her again…
A funny youtube video has been shared below: